Dating Life of a bisexual.

It's funny what experiences you gain over the years and learn when you meet men and women. At some point you can understand both sides. At least that's the way it is with me. Yes, men, you have my sympathy. Dating women is really not easy. Above all no (technically) hetero women - I agree with you. Of course there are exceptions again, because exceptions confirm the rule.

Rules that seem to still exist in abundance. The one keeps to it, the other not. Women present their best side and wait to be persuated by a man. Even Tinder. Men write first, women are written to. I have to admit, in most cases I also let the man start the conversation. In nightlife it was mostly the men who made the first step and why should it be any different here! Somehow the conservative behavioral patterns are still anchored in us. This is the case in my family. From my earliest childhood I was given the impression that the man as the breadwinner and "directorate" of the house took care of my mother as well as my sister and myself. For a long time I therefore felt that my mother's role as a housewife was submissive and I was given the impression, also due to the small-town environment, that the woman has to be rather passive, reserved or not too demanding or direct.

Of course, the role models learned are transferred to one's own later romantic relationships and love life. Even though I often felt like I wanted more and simply to say that, in the end I often paused and waited. Meanwhile it is not like that anymore. Not for a few years. At some point I was tired of it. In a small town it’s not so easy. After all, you still have to pay extra attention to what your neighbours think about you and, above all, what they expect from you. I am aware that this is not exclusively a phenomenon of small towns. The conservative idea is still generally anchored in Generation Y, since we all, as children of the post-war/economic miracle generation, have been given a largely "traditional" image of the family.

But even in the (non-existent) sex education or in sex education we do not get any real awareness of our femininity, of us being a woman. Sex education is (funny enough) a good description. You learn how children originate and how to prevent pregnancies, as well as diseases. Bad diseases. Death on installments. Sex is cruel. No. Don't get me wrong: It is essential to educate about the risks and ways of transmission, as well as about the diseases themselves, but it should not be the sole focus.

The G-spot would also be a nice thing. Or a healthy body awareness. Or, or, or....

I am digressing. After 3 years of dealing with dating apps like Tinder and OkCupid, I have to say: Free yourselves! It's so exhausting when you watch how the same mechanisms work and everything is so incredibly predictable. It's always the same old story. Men want to fuck, but are too blunt. Women want to fuck, but they don't say it at all. They want to be seduced. Some men get this and do exactly that. Tiresome, but target-oriented. We women think that we must let the men conquer us. You men think we only like compliments about our looks and are generally more consumer oriented (...because actually stupid?).

My favourite category man on Tinder stands shirtless in front of the mirror in the studio (weight bench in the background - of course... Oh yes, and thumbs up - best.); proudly posing in front of a (leased?) BMW/Mercedes/Audi and has of course always a pocketful of money.

Sure thing. Not!

These men already start their dick-measuring contest before the match. But of course there are others. I'm talking about one category. There are also different categories for women. In recent years I have also met wonderfully open-minded, direct and interesting women who had more balls than many of my former male lovers. I love this word. Lover. Sounds so innocent - it's not. Paradox. Oh exactly, that's why I like it. But in general I have noticed especially recently how difficult it is to meet a woman. I mean really meet. Different than with a man. To be honest, that works within a few hours. No matter when. A lot would have to go wrong. Of course it depends again on the expactations, which does’nt mean that I have none.

An example: If I have about 10 new matches with women, an average of one writes first. Actively I start perhaps with four the conversation. Only one of them will answer me and after I have honestly answered the courageous initiator's message about why I use Tinder, she usually turns out to be "bi-curious" / "heteroflexible" and just wants to broaden her horizon a bit and maybe test something. The remaining five matches either move further and further back or sometimes there is a surprising change, either on my or her initiative.

But the same example with 10 men would look different. Surprising - Not really. At least five male matches initiate the conversation quite fast and on average one of them I write first. The five initiators get served my intention directly and realize at the latest then (what do you actually write a bio for?) that I am only sexually available anyway, because I live happily in an open relationship with a man.

Admittedly, this seems rather attractive to most men. There were really very few who didn't feel like it or were afraid of my partner's jealousy. But there were always at least two who had immediately maneuvered themselves out with their really unbelievably stupid or sometimes disrespectful answers. Goodbye. Never say anything against the man at my side. This again gives me a different starting position than single women. For them there is a possibility of a romantic connection and the courtship begins. In addition, no one likes to give “it” up easily, because that is not appropriate. We condemn hookers because they take money for sex, but it would be nice if the Tinder Date at least invites you to the cinema or a fancy dinner tonight. Maybe some more expensive drinks and a taxi ride.

Off to his bed. Every woman has her price.

Also here I speak again only of one women’s category. Over the years I've noticed this again and again when I've had in-depth discussions about prostitution or escort. The same women who condemn prostitutes as whores demand a date of the extra class and Hollywood clichés in the same breath. Yeah. Pricely.

Think about it.

In the masculine part of creation, on the other hand, I've always noticed how much double standards are involved here. The current affair should be as uninhibited and available as possible, but still relaxed and not possessive. Of course, a woman who doesn't take such a narrow view with her own sexual morals is better suited for this. This, in turn, is difficult to expose at the carnival of masked desires - and on Tinder. But she is still far away from being girlfriend material. An (un)beautiful statement, which I myself got to hear again and again. For loose sex? Awesome! As a girlfriend? Better not. In a roundabout way the core statement of this message is: An open and relaxed sexual morality makes you a slut. Or at least not the woman a man wants at his side or present to his family/friends. Well, I'm actually convinced that this hast much more to do with men being afraid of sexually liberated women, because these women are powerful and are not satisfied as easily - in the truest sense of the word. Paradox, if you consider that in the world of dating apps exactly these women are being searched for.

Also the sentence "Man, my ex-girlfriend was such a bitch and now I can never really love again and I'm totally disturbed”. I can't hear it any more. It turns me off. The only thing I hear at this point is the following: "I'm unreflected, I blame everything on others, I don't deal with my feelings and I want to stay hurt and defiant forever. Mimimi." To explain one's own fornication and restlessness with that is just simple. Nothing more. That doesn't make you look particularly independent and wicked - on the contrary. Just by the way. It seems pitiful. Nothing more.

Yes, okay, maybe it all sounds a bit hard now. After all, you just don't know how to behave anymore. All these expectations, fears, clichés, stereotypes, social pressure, experiences...

Free yourselves!

Especially with dating apps, the anonymous first contact (a photo doesn't make a bond yet; neither does a Swipe) would also allow women to stick up for themselves and clearly express why they actually use this app. Also, it's not very exciting to have to pull every word out of someone's mouth and to have every suggestion answered with "I don't care. Sure. As you like. You decide". That is tiring and not very interesting. Don't wait too long to open up. However, express a clear request, or a need. I must admit that over the years I have developed a little understanding for the part of the man's world that is disappointed by dating life. Of course, it's frustrating to try for days or weeks to convince a lady to go to bed with you; pretend to be interested; give gifts; compliments; woo her... and then you might end up getting turned down. It's not a nice feeling to have to advertise yourself in order to convince the other person that it might be worthwhile to have a quick look under the sheets. Everyone just wants to feel good and wanted. Or not?

The women’s view must not be disregarded at this point. It is just as tiring to hear the recurring bad, disrespectful, superficial, stupid catch phrases or to be reduced to one's looks. Constant amazement when the guy then realizes that under the pretty shell there is also an independent being. Yes! To be honest, the next time I get the answer "Oha, not only beautiful, but also intelligent. Dangerous!”, I'll probably puke. Why do we like to deny good-looking people their intelligence, or only admit it after the fact? Envy. Nothing else. Why should she/he have both? Unjustly. Besides, she is certainly happy when I praise her intelligence and emphasize it once more. That just seems arrogant boys, nothing more!

Back to the topic: The Ping Pong of frustrations can be depicted very vividly with OkCupid, Tinder, Lovoo and what they are all called. Actually, everyone wants the same thing, but everyone gets something different. How many women have I talked to, who actually have a great sexual desire, but an equally big problem with neither being able to open up nor let go. One of the reasons for this is that they were always told that they had to be incredibly careful with themselves and especially with their vagina and that they should always prefer to hide their lust rather than present it. In everyday life a feminist, in bed the virgin Mary. Difficult.

How would the mating dance probably take place if everyone, for a change, openly expressed his preferences, interests, intentions and limits? Wouldn't that simply be honest and authentic? Regardless of whether it might sound too slutty or, on the contrary, too romantic. Just do it. Less babbling, more fucking. Get into the conversation without big expectations; Turn up.

And what if I get disappointed? Sure. Not the end of the world...

You can also be surprised, by the way.


Photo by Kilian Amrehn

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